Divorced and caged

In a world where love and hate are two very similar things, I find myself looking for the right man who would fill that empty spot in my heart. It seems like yesterday when I last saw Raymond. But for my own good I must accept the reality of him being gone. And gone forever...it would have been easier to swallow had it been I lost him to death. But I lost him to his evil intentions and cruel heart. Say all you want, but the burning flame of love I have for him will never be quenched. Although this may be the reason why I can't seem to move on or get him out of my mind. There are so many good men out there but none of them is Ray. None of them can replace an uncommon dark light in my soul. Ray...could it have been the sex ? Or could it have been the mercy I had on him ? The pain I saw in his eyes knowing that he was all alone and had no one to turn to ? What could have led me to losing 4 living beings to one man whose heart is comparable to that of the devil? A man who denies me my right to freedom and cages me like the beasts of Israel. It seems just like yesterday when I last saw him...heard his voice...smelled him...felt his touch.

4 years. 4 years of horror and after all this, I still love him. I hate him. I hate him so much that I could strangle the living daylight out of myself for not recognising the evil in him. I can't seem to point out what I saw in him in the first place. We got married when I was 20. Was I too young for marriage then ? Four years, and nothing to show for my marriage but a sore divorce. Raymond, a demon trapped in a gentle man's body. His smile and hypocritical charisma could fool you into believing he was an angel. Those red eyes and sweaty hands that would grab my fragile neck and strangle it till I couldn't breathe. That belt that left me with painful scars. Those words that had killed my joyful aura...The miscarriages and painful abortions. He destroyed my dreams. Ray Badmus, a name I would never forget. Well...that's if Raymond Badmus is his actual name.

"I don't know her, Your Honour. She's suicidal. I can't stay married to a possessed creature like her"

Those words he uttered to the judge during our divorce were the seeds of naivety that later on grew into the trees of hate and fatal revenge. I stared at him wondering where I had gone wrong. I begged him to not take what I had worked so hard to build for myself...for us. I eventually lost the case. I left the court in shame with a black scarf on my head and sunglasses to cover my humiliation. I looked through the window of the building just to see him being congratulated for depriving me of my very last penny. His lawyers, new girlfriend and family members were all there for him. And I ? I laugh. Chioma had nobody. I had no one to run to.

What was he doing at my place of work that day ? Did he come to humiliate me even more than he had already done? And who was the lady he was with ? That same woman he was in court with ? Why was she holding her hand over her stomach, laughing and caressing Ray's hand ? Her hair so nicely done and her skin which looked so soft and clean. Her orange dress and big beautiful eyes...She was beautiful. Perhaps even more beautiful than I was. But my curiosity about her identity wasn't comparable to my desire to know Ray's motive. I needed to know why he did what he did to me.

I met Ray via twitter when I was 18. He didn't seem like the guy who could hurt a fly. He was sweet and caring. Now that I think of it...Maybe he was too nice. There were signs everywhere. My friends warned me about him. They knew something wasn't right. But I thought they were jealous about what Ray and I shared as a couple. His best friend warned me too. But I thought they were hating on him. The exact words "He's using you." kept ringing in my head since the day I had an argument my father concerning my relationship with Ray. Signs were everywhere but I ignored them. Or rather...I didn't see those signs. A woman of my IQ shouldn't subject herself to such games. Could love be so powerful that it leaves you only with the detriment of your own soul, mind and body ? Everything Ray asked for I gave him. A car, his rent, money,allowance...Ipad...everything single thing he ever wanted. When I refused him he would get angry and call me names. Whenever I felt like walking out the door, he would come begging me on his knees. Inevitably I would surrender to his request after which he would carry my light self up to his room and make love to me. This brings me back to the thoughts that went through my mind whenever we had sex. I can't call it "love making" because obviously... the love I had for him wasn't reciprocated. Without any bit of doubt I can safely say Ray could work my body like no other man could. I was a lady on the streets but indoors I was his whore. I was blinded by love to the extent that I let him do whatever pleased him with my body. I didn't set any boundaries for him. There are times I felt I was being defiled. I would wake him up with head and have his breakfast ready. All of that and I never got a "thank you" from him. I didn't let it bother me. I just wanted to keep him to myself.

We got married. From the very first day after our wedding, Ray showed me a side of him I had never seen. Upon our arrival at the hotel where we were going to spend our honey moon, his countenance changed. I wondered what was going on. I didn't want to cause a scene so I kept talking about the wedding...I said a whole lot of things but it seemed like I was talking to myself as Ray was quiet the whole time. When we got to our room, Ray took off his tie and ordered some drinks and sat down on the couch. I frowned, stood up and went to the room where I was pleasantly surprised at the romantic decor and the king sized bed. the lights where dim, just a few lit candle to set the mood. I figured Ray had planned this. I waited for the drinks to be delivered to our room. I then called Ray and asked him to help me unzip my dress. No reply. I didn't want to bother myself so I managed to unzip my dress alone. I was about taking off my dress, I could feel someone's breath on my neck. I then saw a side of him I had never before seen or expected. He hit me. At first I thought it wasn't intentional. But then he hit me again. Again and again. His eyes turned blood red. It finally got to me that I was faced with a monster I couldn't stop loving.

I watched him laugh and enjoy himself with this woman whose identity I didn't know.

"She's obsessed, your Honour. She's delusional"

His words kept ringing in my mind. Me, ?Chioma ? Delusional? Obsessed ? I can't remember when I took a bottle of wine from the counter. I walked up to him and hit the back of his head. He tried to stand up but he kept on bleeding. "Please..." I didn't let him finish his phrase and I hit him again. The bottle of wine broke and fell on the ground and so did Raymond. I stared at his lifeless eyes and saw peace in then. His eyes weren't blood red anymore. The monster was gone...he seemed like a peaceful being. I looked up and saw people panicking. I couldn't hear anything, it was as if I was locked in a transparent box. I looked around and saw people rising up from their tables, making gestures and movements with their mouths. But I couldn't hear anything. The lady was making an attempt to run out of the restaurant but I pulled her back by her dress with so much force that she fell to the ground. It seemed as if she couldn't get up. Looking at her hands, it seemed like she was yearning for help. I don't know what came over me then. I took a piece of the broken bottle and slit her stomach open. I then saw little hands that were calling me. I held those hands and pulled out the baby. It was a girl. An innocent little girl. I sat on the ground , holding her in my arms. She was so tiny. I I then cut the umbilical cord that attached the mother to her daughter and saw her give up the ghost. I turned my eyes away from her and focused my eyes on the baby. But I was caught of guard when the police walked in on me. They took the baby away from me. Handcuffed, I saw a white woman take the baby into an ambulance which drove off without wasting time.

"Do you realise what you have done?"

I didn't reply mister Ferguson.

"You killed Andrew Badmus and his wife. You murdered your ex-husband's twin brother. Andrew was about apologising to you on behalf of his brother's acts towards you. Raymond had always been an exceptional case in the family."

I gazed at mister Ferguson with a lot of question marks dancing in the landscape of my mind. It couldn't be. That was Ray.

Spending the rest of my life away from civilisation, I find myself caged. Caged in a psychiatric ward.

And the only thing I can see is Raymond...his red eyes and sweaty hands that torment my soul every single night.

- The Alpha Female.


  1. RL (Bajan_Dread)March 2, 2013 at 9:23 AM

    This is some story...and maybe a true story to someone's life. Too many of our African Queens are abused and cant love again due to some asshole.


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