He Thinks...She Thinks

Lying here,  I can't help but wonder why I'm in the position I'm in right now. It's not like I don't have the power to move myself out of this uncomfortable spot. I am a (soon to be) master's degree holder. I am beautiful, classy, intelligent...to mention but a few. Most importantly, I am me... I am Jane. I am a princess in my own little way actually. I love helping people, being around people, making people laugh. But I'm still that rejected stone to him. That stone he only kicks when he's bored. For some odd reason, I  'm still here with him gracing his bed. Martin doesn't mind. He doesn't care. I know he doesn't. I promised myself I would never become obsessed with him. After all, he has her. He has Sarah. Am I in pain ? Depressed ? Angry ? Hurt ? I really don't know. All I know is that I'm still here gracing his bed. It's seems like that has been the job I have been occupying for the past 4 years. I must be doing something wrong. Why does he despise my dignity so much ? I mean once he wakes up he will be out the door again. He will run back to Sarah. At least that's the name I gave her. Why do I have to put up with all this ? He doesn't show any sign of care. I'm more of a trophy he flaunts to people out there. Why didn't he take Sarah to that dinner with his boss ? He finally remembered that I meant something. He never calls me or texts me. I'm just tired of this.

Lying next to Jane makes me feel less of a human being sometimes. I believe in her dreams and aspirations. I'm in full support of her career plans. But I'm just wondering why that has to be at the expense of my needs. The sex is good, agreed. But will sex cater for my need to bond with this woman ? She's always up and running, but she never breathes. Imagine ! I asked her to accompany me to dinner with my boss and his wife. And she declined without giving me  a good reason. All she had to say was: "I have to work on my thesis." A thesis that is due for delivery in the next 6 months? Lord! Excuses upon excuses. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I can't lose myself to love. I can't show her any emotions else she'll take the lead in this relationship. I can't even call her when I miss her because she won't pick up her calls. Always studying, reading or with her friends. I sigh. What is she even writing again at this time of the night ? That doesn't look like a thesis to me...

He's still chatting with her again. Just pretending to sleep as always while I can see him using his phone. How stupid does he think I am ? 

I thank God for this online diary app on this phone. I'm guessing this is by far the best way to write down my thoughts in times like these.

Damn it ! Why treat me this way, Martin ?! I just need you to love me and care about me. Make me your first and last. No other woman! just me...Why can't he see that I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Just why can't he see that ?

I should probably return this engagement  ring. I mean if she can't create time for our relationship now, what happens when we get get married and have kids ?  She just isn't ready. Maybe the next guy will be able to put up with this...She just isn't ready...

- The Alpha Female 

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  1. Very good; like how the different emotions and thoughts represent a different perspective on the same situation. Happens all the time in life. U know how I feel about your writing..keep doing good.

  2. Really nice piece. I like the thought arrangement...
    Looking at this relationship, I will say there is poor communication and understanding between both parties. People in a relationship (even in a family)should understand the power of this two tools. Communicating our emotions in real words and also actions always go a long way in helping our partner understand us more thereby both parties adjusting to the change it will bring.
    We are all not perfect, we only need listening ears.

  3. Expressive (& interactive) communications...


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