The cry of a bitter daughter
A foetus I was to you. A child I became to you. A woman I am now. Before I was conceived, I didn't know you. I, Sarah, was just chilling in the ample bossom of God until you and dad decided to call me out of my place of comfort. Need I less tell you that I did not ask you to bring me into this world ? I don't need to ask you this question, seeing God's will overpowers yours. And so you aborted my brothers and sisters before me, but when it was my turn, daddy stopped you. And even when daddy wasn't around, the pills you took to kill me came to my little abode in your womb. Little did you know there were hands covering me from those poisonous pills. Mother, why do such evil ? But I forgive because I was too little to understand you.
At my birth, you refused to push. You layed there, contracting your muscles so hard I could died without seeing the light of day. But doctor B. had to put you to sleep so you wouldn't feel the joy of me coming out and breathing for the first time. Just because I didn't know, didn't mean I couldn't feel. The only thing I felt was hatred and no bond. No tears. I could barely see you with my eyes but I could tell you didn't cry for joy. Daddy was there holding me in his arms, while you called your family back home telling them you had given birth to the daughter of a bad head. And so what you were 21 ? And so what you came to Europe for prostitution ? Wasn't daddy kind om enough to remain with you despite your ugly behaviour and unappreciaton ? But I forgive you because I was too little to understand you.
I remember when you abandoned me at the airport when I was 3 months old, because daddy refused to give you money to build your house in Africa. And there you dropped me like a used can of coke. Garbage...daddy took me up early enough so no confused being would steal me away from my destiny and my reality. But I forgive you because I was too little to know you.
And so I turned 7,8,9...you spoiled me with second hand gifts while feeding me lies about my life and daddy. And so like nature would have it, I cleaved to you as my mother. And I looked up to you day and night, not because you were a god to me but just because you were my mother. I would protect you when dad was about to beat you for your ways. I would sit down with my pencils and colour book listening to how you two insulted the living day light out of each other. Funny enough, I didn't inherit your ways but the ways my book of bible stories taught me. I never understood what daddy meant when he said he lived with his greatest enemy until I became a teenager. That's when your lies unfolded and your true colours started showing. From that minute you never did anything for me without complaining bitterly. I asked you for 1 euro to buy bread for my science trip with my class. What was your reply ? You ask me for money too much. But when people outside where praising me for the good works God had done in my life, you collected all the praise with your crocodile smile. Every day at 9 pm, you would pray like a mad prophet...speaking in tongue...rabaraba dan sanatabobo yobo yobo...after your "in Jesus name" you would further proceed to cursing me and my daddy for things I know nothing of. Calling me a demon in the presence of outsiders. Tarnishing the image I am working so hard to build for myself. Mother...all I say to you is...MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN. I leave you in the hands of God. For I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers, rulers of darkness in high places. And you so happen to be one of them. I do not hate you, however I do not see you as my mother. Who are you really, woman ? Who are you ?
I have come to realise that you are a greedy being who is alone concerned about her people. I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be your average Benin daughter. I'm just me. I have my own mind and my own ways. Yet you marvel when I write crazy things like these. I do this to ease the pain and the bitterness that has accumulated within me for the past 21 years.
I graduated from college in your presence and you couldn't utter a word of congratulations to me. Yet you were on the phone with your new found lover who so happens to already be married. Confronted ? You claim to not care. You place the useless gossips you call friends above your own daughter. Tarnishing my image with constant mockery and lies together. Friends who you help financially every second of the day, while I struggle to finance my studies alone.
I don't need a bond from you, I just need you tell me where my real mother is.
I forgive you regardless of what you have done and what you will still do. For you will never change. I forgive you because I do not know you. I forgive you because of God. And I honestly do pray you do not repeat the same mistake with my younger ones. I've gone past the change of building bonds. All I want you to do...I beseech thee...change...just change for the name of the God you claim to serve.
- Sarah A.
The Alpha Female