The Eligible Bachelor: One (Wo)man Too Many - Episode 1
What is a woman ? A woman is a being with breast. A woman is a being with power hidden between her two legs. So powerful…yet so weak. A woman is a female being endowed with the capacities of a man but this is…let me say, unknown to her. A woman is a female human being who thinks with her heart. Most women, if not all, I have encountered do not apply logic in day to day circumstances. From Angela to Amaka, all vent and pull out their hair because of us…because of me. Me ? I’m just an ordinary guy with one wish…finding Mrs Right. My late mother used to tell me that the day God created me, He made a suitable woman for me. My missing rib, I suppose. I’m here wondering what type of woman could be suitable for me in this crazed generation of mine. Filled with delirious females, confused niggas and overgrown babies. Hoes, stockings or whatever…These women are getting us messed up. How? maybe my bit of experience could come in handy right now.
I’m just looking for Mrs Right, not Mrs Perfect. Perfection gets annoying with time, do you beg to differ?
Mrs Right. A woman who knows how to keep me tied to her without suffocating the life out of me. A woman I don’t have to spell out the obvious to. A woman who knows when to talk and when to be quiet. A lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. A woman I can call my wife. Hold up…The word “wife” sounds like prison to me. But yeah…I need a wife regardless. If I could cook and do my laundry (which I can…not really…I don’t know), I wouldn’t be bothered about getting a woman. Just one, two or three females to grace my bed every other week would do the trick. So yeah…a man needs a woman. I need a woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Anthony…Anthony Daniels. Who I am? I’d like to think of myself as the perfect gentleman. I’m your friend, your brother. I’m the beggar you ignored at the railway station. I’m that cocky ass nigga your mom warned you about. I’m that hooligan your dad dislikes. Heck! I am somebody… anybody…everybody and nobody. I’m a bachelor…I am The Eligible Bachelor.
CHAPTER ONE: ONE (WO)MAN TOO MANY
I don’t know which is worse. Waking up to a woman who snores like an abandoned rhino or leading a girl on who’s madly in love with you. No, you tell me. I looked at Andrea and shook my head. I know she’s a hoe. I know she gets around. But she’s bad. She’s the ‘baddest’ chick my eyes have analyzed. She’s the type Daniel, Li and George keep asking me how I got her. To be frank with y’all, I have no idea. I only remember being at a random event and she was one of the models hosting. She’s was wearing a tight short black dress just like every other model there. But she stood out for some odd reason. It must have been those eyelash extensions. Yes. A man would always notice your eyes before your body. And I was no exception to that fact. She brought a glass of champagne and smiled seductively. I wasn’t really in the mood for any woman that night but yeah things happen…To cut a whole lot of ‘fuckery’(excuse my French) short, we had sex…at that same event…and since then she’s been a plague I can’t get rid off. One double D, fat ass, long weave, thick, light skin plague…I so don’t want to get rid of.
Her alarm rang. She just paid a deaf ear to it. It was 7:30am. She groaned. I rolled my eyes and tapped her.
- 5 more mintues, baby
5 more minutes? More like 5 thunderous slaps of bad breath. Gosh! For a minute I found it hard to believe that was the same chick I had sex with all night.
8:25am. Andrea got up from bed. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. No “good morning”, no nothing. I knew she was going to steal my money for the 1 millionth time. You’re probably wondering why I still kept her around. The answer is simple: I have no idea.
“Good morning, handsome.”
Liz’ bbm message interrupted my “sleep”.
“Good morning, boo”
Liz, my beautiful African queen. An alpha female/boss lady at work but the naïve side chick at home. The side chick with no benefits. Principled, disciplined, ambitious….genius! I know she loves me, but do I love her back ? That’s a question for you to answer. Don’t think of me as a bad person. I mean…Every girl gets the “hey boo” treatment. There’s nothing to it.
“Am I seeing you for lunch?”
“ lol how romantic…cool, KFC at 1 ?”
“see you then, love”
I saw her last reply and decided to leave her on D. I didn’t intend to show up there. I had other things to worry about. Work, the hospital…the nurses.
Andrea finally exited my flat. I got up and took a shower. Believe me when I say, I was lost in thoughts. The water dripping on my body…My mind flew from thinking about Liz and Andrea to my mom’s last wish before she died.
I got to the hospital at 10 am.
- Good morning, doctor.
Flirty eyes and smile? Messing but elegant blonde bun? Yup, that’s Sarah…Sarah Kane alias Sugar Cane. My favourite eye candy. She had to be the hottest white girl my eyes had ever seen. I mean…if she wasn’t a nurse, she would be a top model. Tall, slim and blonde. But one hell of an intelligent blonde. I remember last Christmas at her place. All I can say is: she wanted the D, she got the D. And she is still getting the D…Even though she’s engaged to be married in a couple of months. Don’t look at me…Look at them. Les Femmes sont fatales !
- Good morning, miss. Any appointments for today ?
- Yes, just one. A lady named “Levondia Unique” requested a last minute appointment with you.
- Levondia what ?
- Are you for real ?
She looked at me with a confused face.
- That’s a ratchet ass name. At what time is she coming ?
- Umm…She’s already here ?
- Urgh! Send her in.
- Alright. Oh by the way…George wanted to know if you’re free tonight.
- Why ?
- The game, remember ?
- Oh true! Tell him I’ll be there.
I wondered how she could still manage to be this professional after what we’ve shared. I hate to see her go…but I love to watch her leave though.
- Come in.
I logged in on my computer. The moment I turned around to see Levondia, I knew I had found the one. She was pretty, average height, curvy, high cheek bones, chocolate skin beauty. The happiness that entered my heart was beyond me. Gorgeous smile…WOW
- Hello, hi
- Hi, please sit down.
- Thank you.
- Levondia Unique, right ?
- Yes, I…
- How may I help you ?
- I’ve been experiencing a constant headache and I feel weak lately.
- Do you have any history of migraine?
- No I don’t, doctor.
- Go over there, I’ll examine you shortly.
I took my time to fill in her credentials and complaints in my report. I looked up and saw her…without clothes…Yup, butt naked. I wasn’t shocked just pleasantly surprised. I walked towards her, she was facing the wall. No words, just actions.
- Do you like what you see, doctor ?
- I will tell you once you look me in the eyes
- Will you ever be able to love a woman like me ?
- Love is an abstract word.
- You’re avoiding the question but I’ll take that as a yes.
This was too soon. It was weird. Something about her was off key. My instincts were battling my desires. Sex on the first day wasn’t even the issue. Something about her was off. I needed to satisfy my curiosity. Who was Levondia truly?
She turned around and walked towards me. I didn’t pay attention to her body. Just her soulless eyes. They were empty and void of feelings.
- I’m sure this isn’t your first time.
- It depends on what you’re asking.
In other words and ways…we had sex. In my office…and yes, it’s against hospital protocol. She didn’t moan. The sex with her was odd. It was…what do I call it? Dry. Enjoyable but dry. She wore her clothes and took her purse.
I was just sitting there like…What exactly just happened ?
- See you soon, doctor.
- Wait…what about your headache ?
No response. She smiled and left my office. I wore my clothes and washed my face. I felt dirty for the second time in my entire life. The first time was when I lost my virginity.
I just didn’t feel right. It seemed like something had been taken from me without my consent. I called Sarah and told her to cancel all I had to do for today. She wanted to know why but I hung up without explaining anything to her. It was almost 1pm. I remembered my appointment with Liz. I never intended to show up in the first place. I just wanted to go home. I felt terrible.
- Hey babe
- Hello, stranger.
- Stranger ? C’mon, I’m sorry I’m late. I wasn’t feeling too well.
- It’s fine. Maybe you need to rest. We could always have lunch some other time.
- I guess you’re right. It’s even packed here.
- Duh! It’s 4pm and this is KFC.
- Ushhh. Don’t make me feel bad. I’m sorry, okay ?
- It’s fine, love.
I kissed her goodbye and left. I owed it to her to show up. She’s told me that she loves me. I haven’t slept with her. And I don’t intend to. She’s beautiful and probably every man’s dream girl. But I’m just not attracted to her. See why I say women don’t apply logic ? I let her start the conversation all the time. I give her one word answers. I leave her hanging for hours. But she doesn’t get it. I’m not the one who breaks her heart repeatedly, she is. I knew she wasn’t happy. I didn’t really feel bad. I just needed someone who I could count on to be there for me at all times. She was that person. Liz Ajayi was that person.
“Dude, did you meet Levondia ?”
I looked at Li’s BBM message and wondered how he knew about her.
“Unique ? yhh I did”
“Crazy work right ? Frank did a mad job on this one”
“ Frank the plastic surgeon?”
“Lol wtf ? was she ugly before ?”
“Nahh bro, she’s a dude”
Li had to be kidding me. He needed to sit his Chinese self down.
“dude, that chick is a dude. You gotta believe me, dude. She…HE came to see me wondering if he could get ovaries implanted, dude. ”
“MA NIGGA.QUIT THE F*******G PLAY”
“lmao DUDE, I’m positive. His real name is Levon”
A part of me officially died. I have no problems with transgender people, I respect them, but this one went too damn far.
I kept on asking myself how I could be this careless. I didn’t listen to my instincts. I was too confident. I felt…violated. I remembered my mom and all she told me about trust and love. I realized I had disappointed her. Oh mom…I wish you were still alive.
I suddenly heard a knock on my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. The person kept on knocking.
- Who is it ?
- It’s me… Levondia.
- The Alpha Female
Next episode: November 6th 2013