Late Night Thoughts: Kiss and Tell...
Keep our business private. You can’t imagine how many times I have heard that. Shhh…I don’t want anyone to know about us. Tell me…How can I kiss and tell when I haven’t kissed you yet ? My dearest one…Tonight, I feel like ranting again. But then... I have absolutely nothing to rant about. Well…except being taken advantage of constantly. I’m slowly but surely losing my credibility as a Twitter
That’s a good thing, right? I guess so. I didn’t sleep this night. But mind
you, I shed a tear or two before the sun rose. Why ? One word: my past. Don’t be scared. I haven’t slept around just
yet. I haven’t had any abortions either.
I haven’t even had se…Hmmm! Don’t laugh…Don’t
laugh. It’s not funny. My past may not be dirty, but it has a stain… or maybe
two… with a pinch of salt in every injury.
Nowadays, a lot of men hold women to certain standards that they themselves can’t even reach. Do you beg to differ? Ask me anything and I’ll tell you everything. I really do pray you’re not the type to expect perfection from a woman because I, my love, am not anywhere near perfect. But I try…I try to be at my best behavior. Sometimes I lose my temper over things that have happened and I can’t change. Sometimes I stay in bed all day bewailing my reality. And just sometimes, I cry out in prayer when my heart is too heavy. I’d stare at my iPhone… 20 messages pending. Hey beautiful, how are you ? Hmmm. I always give the same reply : I’m doing great and you ? If great means having swollen eyes and water rolling down your cheeks, then I am indeed doing great. I’m doing great, baby. I’m doing great. I want to offload all this pain. Yes, I was born with a silver spoon and I should be thankful for my life. I am thankful, don’t ever get that twisted. But then…I’ve seen things I shouldn’t have seen. My ears have heard things my heart couldn’t bear. I have experienced things that just made me question my existence. And that’s when I wanted to commit suicide. I wanted to pull the plug on the life God gave me. Just this year… Holding that knife to my chest while everyone was sleeping. I stared at my bible sitting on my laps. The silent bitter tears…The police sirens…the doctors calling my name. Sharon, really? Yes really. Every bad news /experience is like a drop of water being added to my cup. Since the day I was born till date…My cup is full. The domestic violence, the bullying, the oppression, the manipulation, the betrayal, the…I sigh! Anytime I wanted to talk about it, I found myself constantly being shut down. “We will talk about It tomorrow”…And tomorrow never came. “I don’t want to talk about this right now”…When would the right time come? Never. Lack of communication made me a ticking time bomb. I was slowly becoming tired of human beings. I just wanted to be alone. Alone because I wasn’t capable of betraying myself. I wasn’t capable of disappointing myself. But you what they say: charity begins at home. No matter how much I wanted to be alone, I could never be. No matter how much I was fuming in anger, I felt those eyes watching over me with kindness. I felt Him standing in the corner of my room waiting for me get off Facetime every single night. I felt Him telling me to cast my burdens on Him.
I can give you rest, my child…I can give you peace of mind. Come to me. Cry to me.
Give me a minute so I can take a deep breath…
So many men expect women to accept and forgive their past but they can’t reciprocate the favour. I hope you’re not the type to expect perfection from me. I’ve made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person. I’ve made the wrong sacrifice for the wrong man. What wouldn’t I do for love? But I was manipulated…Just like every other time. I should have known better…But you know me. My emotions are my worst enemies. I won’t hold you to your past (except you murdered someone intentionally) because I am not in any position to. I expect the same from you. You know some men nowadays…The moment you get into a fight with them is the same moment they’ll throw everything back at you…Just to be in control of you. I dislike control with a passion. I hate mind games.
My king… my love… my soul mate... I hope you’re the type to have a listening ear even when you’re too busy to see me. I hope you find time to text me a simple “hello, my love” when I’m having a messy day. I hope I don’t have to keep your identity a secret. I hope you…I don’t want perfection from you. I want effort. I want you to try.
So when we do share our tender kiss, I’ll have no reason to tell another soul.
Good night, my love.
May the Good Lord bless and protect you wherever you are.
- - The Alpha Female