Late Night Thoughts: Nude Conversations with my...
There’s absolutely nothing worse than holding yourself back when you actually just want to rant…And talking to your friends doesn’t help either. It seems as if you have said it all. But you still have that incisive pain in your heart. And it keeps growing and growing and growing…So much that it takes over your entire soul. And that’s when you call that pain, bitterness. I wonder why people have been telling me that I seem happy lately. The prayers must be working. But my love…My dearest one…I don’t want to be bitter. I want to get rid of all this baggage before I say yes. I want to be free before I say I do. But…knowing men today…Hmmm! You’ve actually been on my mind a lot lately. For some odd reason, I feel you’re the only one capable of accepting me with my flawed body, my wounded mind and my (not really) conservative reasoning. I should be right about that…Not so? I’m in love with the idea of being in love. It’s just so hard…I sigh! I guess I’m not ready to love.
Growing up, I never saw that primary example of love as child. On both sides of my family, there wasn’t any couple I could look up to and say: they’re truly in love or Hey! I want something like this too. And as you already know…My parents weren’t an exception to my observation. It’s simply pathetic: I have no example to fall back on. Let’s bare it all out today. Looking at them made me want something different, something real. I wasn’t looking for perfection. I was basically looking for happiness. But then happiness quickly turned to sadness when the efforts were one sided, the truth was withhold and the wrong sacrifices were made for the wrong people. You know…Sometimes I wish I came as carbon copy of daddy. I would be able to quick the rocks that hit my foot on my journey to the world of love. But then…My heart came as a photocopy of mommy. I was and am too emotional. I was born that way and I can’t help it. Being emotional is like a gift and curse. A gift because I can guarantee you that I’ll remain faithful and my feelings will stick with you till death. It is a curse because you will not be drama free. Again…There’s nothing worse than being emotionally attached to the wrong person. And that’s why I’m doing whatever I can to avoid my past being a stumbling block to us. Even if it means depriving you of sex till you prove yourself to be the one…I’m sorry, my love. Nothing good comes easy…and you know want they say: the patient dog eats the fattest bone.
I can’t afford to be an emotional wreck. I can’t afford to be emotionally damaged. And if that makes me religious, oh well, then so be it. The world makes it seem like sacrificing yourself is the best thing to do. But once you do, that bad label never comes off your forehead. Looking at how many times I got rolled over…I keep getting rolled over like some useless bag of potatoes. It’s like the devil wants me to turn into a hoe so bad. At this point I have every reason to do so…But with every tear that rolls down my eyes, with a every pace with which my hands shake in anger, with every single orange that hits the wall, with every minute I soak myself in depression, with every strand of my hair that has been pulled out of frustration, with every stab I feel in that little healthy piece of my heart that is left from the hurt…I will wait for you. Even if I have to wait till I turn 50…I will wait for you. I don’t want you to be perfect. I just want you to be right. Perfection gets annoying with time. But…Baby, I want you to try…I want you to be in charge. I want you to own my body, cherish my heart, embrace my mind and love me for who I am. Is that too much to ask for?
I bare it all out tonight…Because I’m so tired. So damn tired of love and its unhealthy junk called games. You know…I was so sure about myself. Now I’m here realizing that the devil comes to you as everything you’ve ever wished for. Satan hides in the myth of religion and love.
I’m not sure I have you yet…At this point, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Love is supposed to make you feel happy and wanted, not so? I will bottle my feelings and put them aside for now. I have paper and name to chase. These two things seem like the only things to not want me to turn into a beast.
I’m slowly getting angry and defensive, let me leave you now. Tomorrow is another day, I will write you again.
It’s beautiful how a cold autumn night can bring you a step closer to your future.
Sweet dreams, my king.
May the Good Lord bless and protect you wherever you are.
-The Alpha Female