Suicide: It's Claws, Lies and False Hope
I recently had a heart to heart talk with a very close friend of mine. I’m very open when it comes to things that happen in my life but as they say… Everyone has their dark little secret and I’m not an exception to this. I honestly don’t know what prompted me to write this post but I hope it helps someone out there. I’ve been thinking a lot lately… I realized I had plenty of goals set out of for my life. Some of them are fuelled by personal motivation while others are set out for revenge. I have so longed for greatness and success. I always put up a smile and say a polite “thank you” when people (even strangers) praise me and my achievements. “Sharon? Ah! I know that girl. She’s brilliant! She shines academically and otherwise”. If only they knew half of my story… That’s what I kept telling myself. Pain is something that eats you up and when it’s not handled with care and on time, it grows into a huge burden. A burden that captivates your mind and toils with your emotions. Your emotions frame the spectacles with which you see the world and if they are broken, your world is pretty much ruined. It’s easy for outsiders to judge someone who committed suicide. I could too…but I can’t because I’ve been there… A few times.
Imagine yourself sitting alone in a dark room. The lights are turned off. It’s just you and the devil giving you two options with which you can end your life. That was me for a long part of my childhood and teenage years. Just when I was tired of ranting on Twitter… Just when I was tired of being a part of the constant battle in my home… Just when I was tired of being bullied aggressively… Just when I was tired of witnessing the domestic violence and being the victim of emotional abuse… Just when I was tired of carrying so much pain and having my emotions toiled with… Just when I was tired of speaking but not being heard… Just when I was tired of being called a mistake… Just when I was tired of being humiliated and mocked… Just then would I sit alone and stare the devil in the eyes. “Poison yourself or die by the sword. The choice is yours. I’m showing you the easy way out”. That’s suicide. It drains you and worsens the situation as it is. Did I? I couldn’t because I had to talk to God and ask him why He put me here. I was aware that life was nowhere near perfect but the only thing I could ask him was for an atom of peace. Or if he could, why didn’t he just change me and make me stronger ? Why make me so weak that I can’t defend my honour when needed? God kept quiet. I believed He didn’t care. If He didn’t care, who would? I cried my eyes out because I didn’t have anyone to talk to and even when I talked, I wasn’t relieved. For years I couldn’t be happy genuinely because I was born in the middle of a battlefield where no one bothered to build an emotional wall around me. I was just being bombarded with grenades of hypocrisy, hate, fear and confusion. Manipulation to say the least... How would the world feel when it hears Sharon is no more? Rest In peace after which everyone would move on and forget I ever existed. That’s the part suicide didn’t tell me about. It just told me it would take the pain away forever. So was I finally going to pull the plug? I couldn’t because my siblings and mom would knock at my door begging me to open up. 4am. I tweeted 2 hours ago. They think I’m sleeping. You don’t know… I wish you knew.
Suicide is a lie. It worsens whatever situation you’re in. It makes you believe that the world doesn’t need you. It thinks about now, not tomorrow. If I died last year, would you read my stories now? It’s amazing how God’s silence meant a thousand things. One of them being that He loves very much. The second being that I am special in his eyes. I know sometimes the world crumbles under your feet. You may not have a roof over your head, like I have in times past. You may have everyone turn against you, even your immediate family. Nothing may be working out for you right now. But now isn’t forever. There is no problem without solution as long as you believe God exists. Where there is life, there is hope. I want you to know that you are special and if you are alive today, it’s because God has something he wants you to do on this planet. You’re not a mistake and your situation isn’t a mistake. I’m writing this post for a reason only God knows. But I do hope you realize that for every tear that rolls down your cheeks (be you male or female), there is someone out there that wishes they were you. It’s not a mere guess, it’s a proven fact. True, we live in a world where nobody cares but out of a million people, a thousand care about you. So before you contemplate it, think, live and persevere.
Where there is life, there is hope.
Speaking of which…You see those people that caused me pain in the past and those things I went through? They didn’t last forever. Half of them are unable to figure their lives out, while others are now my “admirers”. All talking to me as if nothing ever happened. Yesterday has gone, I see a bright future ahead of me. Can you see how bright yours is too?
- - Sharon Ehis (The Alpha Female)
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