Endangered Soul

 Endangered Soul

I came back from work drained that night. Emmanuel sat on the couch as he was watching a documentary. I asked him if the kids had gone to bed but he kept mute. Ever since Emmanuel lost his job, our marriage has been crumbling. When Emmanuel is quiet that simply means trouble is in sight. I didn't feel the need to ask any more questions so I grabbed a glass of water. I was about to leave the kitchen when he stood in front me, telling me to prepare pounded yam for him. I looked at him as if he was crazy. It was already past 10pm and to make things more interesting, I was drained. I was too tired to even prepare any food for myself. As I had feared, we fought. We argued, cursed each other out. An angry man often tells the truth out of the abundance of his heart. Emmanuel said a lot of things, half of which I don't remember. What I will never forget is when he looked me in the eyes and told me I had become a shemale. I, apparently, had forsaken my duties as a wife and worn the pants in the family. In other words, I had become too big to submit to him. Did it have to do with our difference in upbringing? I grew up abroad while he was raised in Nigeria. I wasn't used to the culture even though my parents were full blooded nigerians. Sometimes I blame them for not teaching me a few things here and there such as talking for example. I can't talk without shouting when I'm angry or I feel I'm being trampled on. Nothwithstanding this, I try my best for my family. Why was Emmanuel blind to my efforts? I told him he shouldn't blame his failures on me. I was hurt and that statement I made hurt me even more. I didn't wait to hear what he had to say so I stormed out of the house in rage. 

I had nowhere else to go except my usual spot. I stared over the bridge. The water seemed very cold and so were my hands and feet. Out of anger, I had left home barely wearing anything suitable for the weather. Renaults, Audi's, BMW's... All drove by but none could ask me "are you okay?". Three words that could have changed my mind. My mind...overworked and filled with too many thoughts. I couldn't think straight.  Had God made my tears invisible that even the cyclists couldn't see or hear me cry? What was I even angry about again? Oh yes... humans, Emmanuel, life. Emmanuel didn't know I got fired. Emmanuel didn't know I lost my job because I remained faithful to him. I just wanted to make life easier for the both of us. He couldn't ask me how work was. He was simply pre-occupied with his inferiority complex that he couldn't see  I needed help. Nobody sees that I need help. From my parents to Emmanuel, all expect perfection from me. They think becauce I'm brilliant that... I could just jump and no one would know the bagage I'm carrying. A heavy load of unfulfilled dreams and misunderstood motives rests on my shoulder. It's too much. How will I pay Matthew and John's school fees if I can't even secure a job for more than 6 months ? How do I explain to my husband that I'm not trying to emasculate him?  I scrolled through my contacts and called every single  friend I could think of but no one picked up my call. I just needed someone to talk to. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I fixed my eyes on the water. At that moment, my buried past came back to life. I saw a rope...a knife...an unseen hand...blood. I hated seeing visions. They would come as flashes of images in my head and before I can do anything, they had already come to pass. Blood... I was scared. I didn't know what the vision stood for but something told me to go back home.

I got to my house and the whole place was quiet. I decided to go to my room since I figured Emmanuel would be sleeping. On walking up the staircase, I saw blood stains spread all over our white carpet. I called Emmanuel's name but he didn't respond. I feared the worst for my boys so I stormed into their room. To my greatest shock, their throats were slit open with blood still gushing out of their wounds. I cried and screamed. I left the room devastated and looking for answers. The door of my room was opened. Emmanuel was in tears. He was about to hang himself. I couldn't touch him. I had to call the police but all the phones were dead. My cellphone, that had been on full battery for the past 30 minutes, died. I was confused, screaming...I shouted for help but no one could hear me. What did Emmanuel do to my sons?! I had to run away but an unseen hand knocked me down with a bottle of wine. I fell to the ground and rolled over. That's when I saw Emmanuel standing over me with a knife. I couldn't hear all he was saying but I picked up the following words: this is what failure looks like. I knew I was going to die. He pulled me by hair and...

"Simi! Baby, wake up. Is this how you're going to be sleeping for the rest our lives?"

"Emmanuel? Where are Matthew and John?"

"who? You didn't tell me you wanted boys. I thought we agreed on having two girls so we can be like Michelle and Barack. Hehe. Were you dreaming?"

" I thought... I... I'm just tired. I had a terrible dream."

"Terrible dream, ba? The day after our wedding night? Nah, baby... you good. Just pray about it"

"Okay...I will...I just...I..."

"You, mrs Williams, need to prepare our breakfast. Let's cook together. I will join you shortly"

"Okay, I love you"

"I love you too..."

I got to the kitchen and sighed in relief. I just got married to the man of my dreams. It must have been the aftermath of the cold feet I had yesterday. That's what I was trying to tell myself till I heard a voice say...

"He won't love you for long."

- The Alpha Female

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