Late Night Thoughts: Clothed in Nakedness
Late Night Thoughts: Clothed In Nakedness
Dear future husband,
I woke this morning realizing I was in the wrong bed. It’s my bed… But it’s the wrong one because it isn’t yours. I thought about you… What you look like… What your touch feels like… I know I haven’t written you any letter in the past 6 to 7 months. I went through my archive of endless letters I’ve written to you, when I stumbled on one I wrote last year December. I read that letter with so much disbelief. I was angry, hurt and vulnerable to every form of abuse and manipulation. Now I understand what James had been trying to tell me for the longest time. I’ve been busy lately trying to find my happiness. I’m glad to announce to you that I am happy now. Despite all I’m going through I am happy. I now wake up with hope that my ambitions will come true in due time. I can longer complain about what’s happening now because I can see how beautiful my future is about to be. Can you believe I have stopped cursing? It’s funny how God answers the prayers we often times forget to say. Notwithstanding all this, I’m still scared for you. I’m afraid I won’t meet you. I’m afraid of meeting you and losing you to my inability to love like the way I used to. I got out of the shower and sat beside the window naked. As you know… I do my best thinking when I’m void of clothes. Don’t worry, no one saw me. I covered the innocence of my breasts with my arm as my hair kissed my shoulders. I stared out the window while the sun comforted my nudity… And I wondered if I would ever be able to let you own my body. I wondered if I would ever be able to submit to you in every area of my life. It seemed impossible… Experience has created cracks in the walls of my tower of love and cobwebs have hidden the beauty of my soul. My love, I don’t see things the way I used to… I just can’t see them that way anymore.
My love has moved from permanent to temporary. It has gone from unconditional to conditional. It is as if my pains have sown a seed of pride in the foundation of my life. A seed that has grown into a mighty tree that screams: “no retreat, no surrender and no second chances”. Like I mentioned the last time, it’s as if the devil wants to turn me into a hoe so bad. My love has become temporary in the sense that if I don’t see little effort, I give up and move on with my life without even trying to fix the problem. It has become conditional because I avoid every details I have seen my exes from height to career choice. Unbelievable isn’t it? I just don’t know how to take men for who they are anymore. And this is why I’m afraid. What if I have met you but because I’m the only one trying, I gave up on you and stopped loving you? What if you were that one guy that stopped me on my way home and asked for my number but because you were too tall, I gave you a fake number to dial ? Or told you I was too busy to entertain a date with you? Speaking of dates…I went on date today. It was nice, I had my usual laugh and came back home. I gave up on love a long time ago and even if it hit me now I probably won’t recognize it. Baby, you have so much to teach me… You really do.
Often times what men get to tell us women is that bible has commanded us to submit to our husbands. Doesn’t that same bible tell men to love their wives as themselves? How would you feel if I lied to you about the smallest things? How would you feel if I bragged to my friends about how helpless you were when we made love? How would you feel if I dated other men asides you but constantly told you I loved you? How would you feel if I told you to go meet your twitter hoes whenever we get into a small argument? How would you feel I undermined your capacities as a man after we’ve been intimate just to spite you? How would you feel if I rubbed your past mistakes in your face whenever I got the chance to? You wouldn’t feel too good about it, would you? Well…That’s what you men have done to me. That’s what you men keep doing to us. Good women are few in this generation, good men are fewer. It’s pathetic…I’m young but I have gotten to a point where nothing surprises me anymore. Is it unknowingly dating a married with kids? I’m afraid I won’t be able to let you prove to me that you’re different. How can I believe you’re different when you wine and dine with human cows called assholes? How?! My king, how?! Even your angelic laugh and smile won’t be able to move me anymore, I’m afraid. You know I fall in love with details and that’s why sometimes I can tell you things about yourself you never take note of. There is much beauty in details, my love… so much.
My king… I’ve said a few things tonight and I wish I could say more but my body clock won’t allow me. Despite my pessimism, I still have little hopes on finding you someday. And you proving me wrong… Boy, will I be the happiest woman on earth if you prove me wrong… When you pray for me at the altar… When you make me feel that I’m more than just object of lust… When you kiss my forehead to console me in times of trial… When you ask me to be your wife and I deeply believe you are the one. I want to scream on that day and tell the world there was hope, after all, for an old soul like me. I want to… be with you.
Who knows maybe I’ve met you already but we’re both too busy chasing our dreams? I do hope our paths cross soon. Because this love story is something I can’t wait to tell our children…
With that being said, my love…
The king of my heart, my imperfect prince charming, my love, my one in a million…
I wish you a lovely night ahead.
Your future wife,
- - The Alpha Female.