My Battle With Anger...

My Battle With Anger...

I’ve been holding off on this post for a while now. For some odd reason, I’ve felt the need to write about my personal experience with anger and how it almost destroyed me. I hope someone out there can relate to this and find solace in what  it is I am about to write…
 Anger, they say, is a natural reaction to pain, stress and damage. But what a lot of people don’t know is that anger is a slow poison. Out there, I could pretend to be the nice and quiet Sharon but at home? I could be someone else if care wasn’t taken. Only close friends knew my ordeal. It’s not like I got angry over small matters but I was infuriated  when my boundaries were crossed. Heck, I was often violent not in the sense that I hurt someone physically (my fear wouldn’t let me) but I would literally turn the house upside down. Betrayal is a thing I have had to deal with for most part of my life, be it from family or friends...Or a stupid boyfriend.  I often  times found myself in an awkward situation asking myself how I even got there in the first place. For a moment I believed I was the problem, but the opposite was true.

I sat down on fateful night simply thinking about everything and nothing.  I was and am young. Sharon, what could your  stress be?  The devil is a very intelligent being and him knowing your weaknesses, doesn’t help matters at all. I tried to figure out where I got the energy to turn into hulk when my buttons  were pushed. I couldn’t figure it out by myself so I prayed that night and asked God to clarify things to me which he did. After all… Anger doesn’t bring about the righteous life that He wants for us. God made me realize that I didn’t have a proper closure with my past experiences. All I could see was a room filled with my records. And each time I opened a file, I heard myself cry and seeking for revenge.  If I saw those who bullied me today will I be able to smile genuinely with them? Since I believed that He was too slow to fight my battles, I slowly but surely started keeping records of every wrong done to me.  One record after the other, a ticking time bomb was created. Because I was always told to stop complaining, I became angry. When I talked, I was ridiculed on the “What are you even talking about?” .  Those words shattered my personality as a child. I became quiet and kept to myself.  Even when I was told to speak , I would say “I’d rather not, since you already know what I want to say”.  I didn’t get angry about the little things but when my emotions were put under pressure, I had to retaliate. I had to because that’s the only way I could be heard. I talked once, you didn’t listen. I talked the second time, you didn’t listen.  The third time was my last warning. And if you went ahead to push me to the wall, I would go off on you. I still wonder who made some of my fellow human beings gods that they think it’s okay to shatter  the personality of others with their tongues. They believe they can manipulate and take advantage of others  simply because they feel they are superior… Ignorant of the fact that God is watching them. Oh well! A lot of monsters we see today are the products of bad mouths. That is  the bitter truth. Betrayal can change the heart of a good man into stone. Not everyone was born strong. Some people you hurt, bounce back while others change for the worse.  That’s how pathetic life can be. Where did the violence come from? My upbringing.  It seemed  to me as the only logical way of expression… A tale  I would talk about another day. But this advice I leave you with: Never fight in the presence of your child.

Am I still an angry person? No, not at all. I’m the type of person that cannot live or function well without God. And no matter how much I drift away from Him, I will always crawl back to him like that prodigal child. His love is too comforting and peaceful to be forsaken.  But I couldn’t please Him with anger and grudges so I made a firm decision to  always table my matters before him in prayer. Even when I’m rambling, ranting or crying my eyes out, He’s the only one to understand the depth of what I’m trying to say. With God I don’t have to worry about expressing myself well, I just have shut my door and believe He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek him.  Simple. No back and forth discussions that stir up controversy, just me praying and getting divine counsel.  I realized that I didn’t have to wait for an apology to close a chapter. Sometimes you have to rid your mind of toxic people with deadly tongues. It’s not easy to pray for an enemy but just say these simple words: I forgive you in the name of Jesus and God bless you. I laugh. I really don’t like talking too much so I keep things simple. If you want to be my enemy, feel free.  If you want to talk bad about me, feel free. At the end of the day, you’re the one wasting precious seconds of your life trying to prey on me and bring me down. Remember, nobody lives forever. This is what I’ve made myself realize. In that that way, I use my energy for something better instead of voicing my anger out. I’ve been too busy creating my own happiness that I barely have time to focus on the negativity around me. I don’t have time to be angry. If not for God, I probably would be living a bitter and miserable life by now.

If you’re dealing with anger issues or sometimes wish you could control your temper better, here is my advice: find out where your anger is coming from. Remember, anger is a natural emotion. It is what you do when you’re angry that matters the most. Why are you throwing stuff around? Is it because of the things you grew up seeing? The next thing for you to do, is give it to God in prayer. You don’t have to run to a pastor before He hears you. Just pray and believe and He will guide you through  the process of self -control. It will take time but believe me, it will work. J

What Has He set you free from? Share your testimony with others. You never know who you might be helping.

With that being said…

Love Always,

-      -    The Alpha Female (Sharon Jane)


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