Late Night Thoughts: Anger, Intimacy and Hope
I had no one to talk to today so I decided to write you. I figured since you were not in my vicinity, it would be hard for you to tell me something stupid that would aggravate my mood since that's what everyone is good at doing lately. How are you? I hope you're well. I know I'm not writing you at night like I would but today...today is just a different day. I asked myself why I took my time to write a man I'm not sure I would meet in my lifetime. If I would get married? Sure. But will it be you? That, I can't say with certainty. So what do I call you now... Future suitor in a faraway land? You're far from perfect. You're just right for me. I've been alone with my thoughts lately and to tell you the truth: I can't explain how I think but what I do know is that I end up being right 60% out of the time. And if I say I might not meet you...then maybe I'm right. I just figured out that there is one thing I've been craving for a long time in friendships, relationships and at home. That thing is intimacy. I'm not referring to intimacy in the sense of having sex. But intimacy in the sense of being able to open up to you and have you do same to me. I find it hard to confide in anyone without thinking they will betray me at some point. So I get to deal with a lot of unfinished business. They say a problem shared is a problem half solved. I'm beginning to think that quote is a blatant lie. Nowadays a problem shared is a problem broadcasted. My Love, if I can't be intimate with you then I don't want to be with you. You can interpret it however you like but I'd rather be alone than go through the process of fighting for communication. It's so vital to me. Whatever I say from this point on will sound like anger...That is because it is anger.
I remember those days when I'd be in a relationship and I'd be thinking of whether to start a conversation or not because mister man didn't bother to see how I'm doing within the space of a week. And when I eventually did bother to say hi, guilt would take over me because I felt I was bugging him. All I really wanted was just to talk. But I guess that was too much to ask for. I remember those days when I would get into an argument and mister man will deem it fit to tell me to meet my "Twitter Hoes" and consequently hang up on me. All I wanted was to be heard and have peace of mind. But I guess that was too much to ask for. I remember those days when I would want to explain how I felt but then I would be overridden with idiotic statements and mister man will deem it fit to question me as to why I discussed our matters with outsiders. Why wouldn't I? All I wanted was to keep my sanity intact but I guess that was too much to ask for. I remember those days when I would get attention from every other guy out there but mister man was too busy doing God-knows what. All I wanted was a good morning text and "tell me how your day went" midnight phone call. But I guess that was too much to ask for. I've never bothered to ask any man for something I knew he couldn't give: attention, communication and care. Sometimes I look at my fellow ladies demanding heaven and earth from these men but they still stick around. "Oh I don't like talking on phone" and all those senseless bants. Gosh! In all this, I did stick around believing that there are some things people have to learn before they can show them. I choose to see the good in people but people can't see the good in me. It was and is indeed senseless of me to wait around for a man to be a man. It angers me that the little I look for I can't find. It angers me that the hope I have dies with each passing minute. It angers me that I can no longer say "I'm in love with you" confidently. "I like you" covers the depth of my feelings. And " I like you" is nothing and means nothing to me. But I just say it...I just say it to cover my true emotions. So whoever hears it won't see the nakedness of my mind and soul.
I feel as if I'm the last of my kind. Perhaps God delayed my birth that should have taken place in the last century. I don't know what to call you because with the way things are going...I might never meet you or see you again. A husband I can find anywhere but a soulmate?... You are my soulmate. A soulmate I might never meet.
Why am I emotionally faithful to a man I might never see? Sigh!
With that being said...I drink this glass of Moscato and drown in this box of Raffaello because they are the only two things that do not voice out stupidity.
- The Alpha Female