My Last Letter To My Future Husband
Dear future husband,
Good evening, good morning to you wherever you may be. I write you today because I've been doing some serious thinking for the past 2 hours. It's very unlike me to blog this much but it will be more of a habit in the coming weeks since I've left twitter. Like the subject of this letter entails...this is my last letter to you. Why? I don't know...I just can't explain why but I believe it's for our own good. Am I giving up on you? Let's see... You seem to be one of those characters that I create in my stories. I create them as a mixture of different personalities I come across in my everyday life. And I think I spent too much time thinking you were one particular person that I lost track of the bigger picture. I now realise my costly mistake. I don't even want anything from you anymore. Where do I start from? How do I begin to process my thoughts and explain them to you so you would understand why I won't write you anymore? Let me try...this last letter will be very disorganised.
I've come to realise that society has its claws in the mind of many people and it keeps spreading its venom with each passing second. This is costing me my sanity. I would want to love by the principles of life and not those of society. But it seems as if society is always right and life loses it virtue in the matters of the heart. I hate being alone because that's when I start thinking the most. I think by the rules of society and my worst fears become reality more often than needed. I'm afraid I can't love you the way I should and would want to. It's all so complicated now. I can't be with a man I can't vouch for. Do you know how much of a shame it is to me when an outsider picks up the phone to tell me he/she saw you doing something you shouldn't be doing? Do you understand how painful it is when I can't seem to find the good in you when all hope is lost? Or how I cringe and beat my heart to humiliation when I can't defend your honour when needed? It's a terrible feeling, my love. A very terrible one. Trust is to be earned but it seems no one wants to work for it. I have never been able to defend any of them. When I have the strength I can confront you but if I don't, I'll save myself the pain and just cut you off and move on with my life. It's a routine I don't like. It's like watching the same scene in a horror movie over and over again. Only this time around the monster isn't subdued. I keep seeing it appear and taking its first victim over and over again. It's a terrible sight, I tell you. A very terrible one.
Which is worse? Meeting someone new and believing they are different but it's not so? Or finding out that they are worse than your ex? Like you keep going from bad to worse to worse-r to "worst-est". And then I sit here evaluating myself trying to figure out if the problem is coming from me. And I can't find the missing piece anywhere in my personality. Further proceeding to ask my closest friends what I could be doing wrong but they too have no answer. Aha! I told you I wouldn't be able to bear another heart felt despondency. It seems being good and keeping yourself is not an appreciated trait anymore. This is terrible, very terrible.
When I love, I give my all because I don't want to end up like most people do. You give 100, you can't even expect 70/60 back. You get 2 instead. That's how it has always been. I can't work with society's way of handling such matters. I just can't because it doesn't work for me. Why can't I just love you in my own way and not fear that I would lose you to the world? Why am I constantly bending for the sake of love ? My spinal cord is crying foul already. I'm not even anywhere close to 60. This I can tell you with certainty...I won't be lifting a finger anymore...not even for you.
What exactly am I trying to say? I'm letting you go. I'm letting you go not because I want to be miss independent or because of feminism. I'm letting you go because I don't think I can handle being with you anymore. Not every time bounce back, sometimes lie down and wait for someone to come help you up. One thing I'm just looking for is a God fearing man. That's the only thing on my requirement list. Once you're truly God fearing there are some things you would never do. Not by just going to church and praying before touching your pounded yam...but that actual fear of God that I cannot explain. That fear of God only few possess. Scarce it is. It's like looking for a feather in the midst of a pile of needles. As for me, I'm tired of people who let the devil use them. I'm tired of seeing snakes everywhere. Some people are so good at manipulating you that you'd believe they were mentored in the university of demonisation. Terrible, I tell you. Just terrible.
What else am I trying to say? So many things. I said I didn't want anything from you anymore... I've always thought of you being the one to take the lead and I'd just follow. Gosh! I hate being the one to take the initiative all the time. Like I subconsciously say in ALL my posts, nothing beats having a man in charge of things. I'm here to be your help meet and to be submissive to you. But too often I have to wear the pants and take the lead when I really don't want to. It's not like what I say even gets anywhere since we often like to think small but I like to think big. I always think of tomorrow not the "now".
I'm letting you go, my king. I'm letting the idea of you go. There is only so much I can take. I too am fragile and like I said months ago I don't want to harden my heart. But I can boldly say that it has already happened. It's quite unfortunate...but when you love someone you wish them nothing but the best. So I wish you nothing but the best. I pray that the woman you meet at the altar makes you happy. I pray that you two last and live happily and after. I pray your children grow and become just like the man I've imagined you to be. I pray she guards your home better than I would.
That woman definitely isn't me.
She isn't me.
God bless you, my love.
- The Alpha Female