The Ghost Writer

A writer, they say, has the pen of life and death traveling between his fingers. A writer, they say, has his muse. But my writer…My baby was just different. He found inspiration in everything. The way he thought and his perspective about life were strange. He stimulated me to think and own my confidence without even trying.  Sometimes when I was in the kitchen preparing our meal, he would come and hold me from behind and tease me on how he wasn't expecting anything delicious from me. I would give him my mean look and he would  laugh at me… We would kiss and talk about how our marriage would be. I had been through so many heartbreaks but Phillip made me feel as if I had never loved before till I met him. I've been pushed on the streets… I've been abused. I've been lied to. I've had my man choose another woman over me. I had seen so many things in the matters of the heart that I couldn't take it anymore. I was at the verge of hating men. I can't even remember how I and Phillip fell in love. But I knew I had cried more than enough. I just couldn't take it anymore because… Look at me, I am my own boss and I put myself through a process of refinement. I worked hard without compromising my standards. Being independent is good but having a good man hold you is the icing on the cake. There was this one day Phillip wanted to take me out and I was so nervous as to what to wear. Thank God Gina was there to help me pick something nice. I was very nervous… I had turned him down so many times that I started to believe he would stand me up just to get back at me. I waited for 2 hours…Boss didn't show up. I looked at Gina and decided to go change. The very moment I stood up, she screamed. "Girl! He's a baller! You didn't tell me he had a freaking BMW x6". The Phillip, I knew, was always on a bicycle. I looked through the window and boy? He looked like paradise. I loved his teeth and his dark skin self. He gave me roses that day and I remember thinking to myself: No man has ever bought me roses or any other type of flower whatsoever. I love roses. Even on Valentine's day, I never got any rose…Only a plea to send nudes. And that was it. But Phillip respected me and loved me unconditionally. Even when I lash out at him, he remains calm. His calmness made me feel so  bad I had no choice but to humble myself and apologize. There is a certain way a man will handle you and you will have no choice but to break. I loved the fact that he knew how details mattered. He would call me everyday even when he had a long day and his words were: " I just wanted to hear your voice". Those words, as simple as they were, made me love him even more. I felt appreciated. He didn't only love my body but he made love to my mind. I really don't know what else any other man could give me  that would make me leave Phillip. He never pressured me into anything. He was just that different type of sweet. Not pretentious or corny… Just loving.

I came back from work and I remember being so tired that I slept off in my coat. My day had been all kinds of hectic. I was running on two hours of sleep. My entire body shut down on me. I woke up about 5 hours later. It was 11pm, Phillip had been texting me and leaving me missed calls. He thought something had happened to me. I had to explain to him that I basically passed out and didn't hear my phone ring. He was quite angry but I could sense he was trying to control his anger. I understood his point, I could have at least let him know I was tired and heading off to bed early. I told him to come over. By that time, he had moved to a new place  and his place was an hour drive away from my flat. I then told him not to bother coming. I didn't want him driving the distance at such an ungodly hour. He said he would still come just to make sure I'm okay. So I got out of bed and took a shower. I knew he had the keys, so he would find his way. In the shower… I thought about a lot of things. One being the fact that I had been seeing this guy for 6 months and he hadn't brought up the idea of having sex. And making out seemed like more than enough for him. I told myself he had to be cheating on me or doing something else. Usually sex was the main topic on the same day of declaring your relationship status as official. I knew my self-esteem had been shattered over the years but then… I didn't understand this man. I got out the shower and stared at myself. I really don't know what  devil made me admire myself in the mirror. I deliberately picked my finest night wear that I hadn't worn in 2 years. I lit a few candles here and there. Tonight would speak for all this while we've been together. I felt weird because I usually wear a t-shirt and sweatpants when he comes around. We watch movies, joke and eat ice-cream/popcorn together. Phillip had become more than a lover  to me. He was my best friend.

" Yetunde"

"Hey baby.  You're right on time"

"On time? What are the candles for? Are we sacrificing somebody?"

"Really? Do you have to always…"

"Ruin the moment? Haha. Yeah I do. Wait… looking all sexy?  Is today our honey moon?"

"Might be… pre- honeymoon."

"Oho…Well ummm…Hmmm…"

I laughed and moved towards him. He was taller than me so holding on to him made me feel secure. We kissed and this time it was different than all other times we've kissed. I sensed the burning passion he was trying to suppress. He stopped and said he didn't want to make me do something I wasn't ready for. I had nothing to say. I drew him closer to me and I thought that would silence his doubts and it did. I didn't tell him I was untouched so at some point I got scared and he sensed my fear. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was. He noticed my hands were shaking. He then asked me the question I didn't want to hear: Are you a virgin? I looked away. He turned my face to his and looked me straight the eyes. He had the "How is that even possible?" look. He didn't say a word for a long minute.

"If you want me to wait…"

"No. Please don't. I've been craving you for so long. Don't deprive me of this"

He smiled and took the lead from that moment on. I remember thinking it was about damn time. He slowly took off the strap of my wear. Lay me on the bed and his touch…gosh… I can't remember it all…his touch…thrust…his hands…my heart racing… my nipples…his words…our moans…and the little pain. We cuddled, talked and fell asleep. He dozed off whispering "I love you" to me. 

The next morning, I woke up realizing he was staring at me with his big brown eyes. His voice was deeper than usual. I looked around and noticed breakfast on my bed. He watched me eat and didn't say word till I was almost done drinking my cup of tea. He then asked why I had waited so long… I told him I wanted my first to be with someone who loved me truly. Someone who could see beyond my beauty and mistakes and still want me regardless. I was scared he would leave and walk out of my life just like every other ex boyfriend of mine. But he stayed and even skipped his job at the office just to be with me through the day.

When I see him wrapped in this black bag, I realize he had no other choice but to be most loving man any woman could wish for. Phillip was gone. He chose losing his battle to cancer than being with me. And I hate him for that. I'm the one to face the pain of losing so many months to my fear of loving again. I wish he told me he was dying.  So I rolled his body all the way to the mortuary. I hated being there because it reminded me of all the people who left me to face this life alone. Dad, mom… He couldn't even   tell he me had less than a year to live. My life lost all its meaning the moment he stopped breathing. And it feels like…I can't even… I couldn't even save him. He was my patient and I couldn't even…I'm only left with his ghost, memories and short stories. I'm only left with jokes, pictures and those dead roses I never got rid off.

Phillip did make me realize I could be…Anybody's muse.

- The Alpha Female


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