I Am Emotionally Drained... To Say The Least
I had to stop studying for a while because it became clearer with each passing phrase that my mind was clouded with too many thoughts. Sometimes I forget I’m a writer. Sometimes I forget I have a blog and sometimes I forget I have a camera that is waiting for me to film. I would like to say that I’m tired… but like my snapchat friends would say “I’m tired is now your catch phrase”. It never really clocked in my head that saying I was tired has become a daily habit. It couldn’t have been like my lack of sleep, most successful people sleep for only 4 hours and dive back into it. It couldn’t be extracurricular activities… Because I do what I love for a living, blogging, writing and filming. All though still waiting for my break… It couldn’t have been a relationship because I’m single again. So why exactly am I always saying that I’m tired? I looked at myself and began to realise that the year is coming to an end. Just around this time last year, I was very unhappy and I had little to no hope of something good coming out of my situation. A year later… My story is different… my e-mail pops, I have classes to attend and I can now be the sophisticated bush woman I have always hid behind a mask of quietness. Everything isn’t perfect, but it’s better than what it was yesterday.
When people watch my videos, read my blogs and later on e-mail/tweet/dm me on our helpful my words have been to them, I feel blessed. I never knew my words mattered to anyone and I never knew my tweets put smiles on some of you faces and, for others, made them think. I count all these as blessings. Nevertheless, I tend to wonder why I can advise everyone else but I can’t advise myself. I believe that’s the beauty of being human… But it drains me emotionally.
So when I continuously say that I’m tired, I believe my mind is subconsciously voicing out the state of my emotions. Need I say that I hate the word “emotions” one more time?
I am emotionally drained today because instead of doing the right thing, I carried over a whole of baggage from past conflicts. How can I enjoy the blessings I have today if I am standing in my own way of happiness? I am emotionally drained today because I’m a very silent perfectionist and if things do not seem perfect, it’s not okay. I’m not even looking for perfection in anyone else but myself but I for some odd reason haven’t gotten to that stage of perfection. I am emotionally drained today because I want to jump 5 steps ahead in life but I’m subjected to this thing called life. I am emotionally drained today because I let people’s supposed criticism and words weigh me down and consequently, I doubt the potentials and talents God has given me and I fail where I’m supposed to succeed. I’m emotionally drained because I have a lot to say but I don’t want to sound broken hearted or angry so the words keep filling my cup to the brim and the water of my emotions are all over the place. I’m emotionally drained because I have to pretend to be strong when I’m dying inside so I won’t be taken advantage of. And finally… I am emotionally drained because I was, and and most likely forever will be too emotional. I love too much, care too much about others when truly… I’m yet to love myself.
I became “ The Alpha Female” because I was angry, wounded and hurt. See it as a fence I’ve built around myself and just when I believed I could break that fence, I was given reasons not to. I’m emotionally drained because I can’t explain myself to new people that want to come into my life. I can’t explain to them why I never return calls, why I ignore messages and why I don’t give and won’t giving them audience. I’m emotionally drained because finding myself again is a lot harder than I thought it would ever be. A cruel writer with a very bloody pen…. One that prevents you from seeing my naked soul.
I’m emotionally drained because of things someone else considers as nothing. We all have different lanes to run this race of life. Don’t be like me… Do not compare yourself to others else you’ll find yourself just as emotionally drained as I was… or rather… “am”.
- The Alpha Female