2017... And I Still Feel Lonely
It’s been over a year since I last published a post. Did I really need to stop writing? Yes. I had to stop writing. If anyone remembers me, you’d remember how much I loved telling stories at moonlight. I hate to admit it, but growing up in (emotional) isolation turned me into the person I am today. I was left alone with nothing but my thoughts, my imagination and the Big Man up there. I always wanted to fit in and be a part of the cool kids but for some reason I was always the odd one out. I grew up in a broken home and while trying to stand as bridge between my two parents, no one really taught me what it meant to guard my emotions. I could absorb everything but didn’t know how to let anything go. My boyfriend would jokingly call me a sponge because at some point I started saying the things he would say. In his words, I knew how to adapt to any environment I found myself in. But is being a sponge really a good thing? It’s been 3 years since I moved out of the house and I still feel empty. Being alone isn’t the same as being lonely or feeling isolated. I subconsciously chose isolation at a young age and now that I’m about to clock 22, I realize I’ve never really known happiness. I’ve known joy and excitement but truly, happiness has never been part of the equation.
We live in a world were people like to pretend about everything in order to impress people they don’t even like. Pretending is easy compared to just being real about how you truly feel. When I was secondary school, I remember, this particular day when we were on lunch break… I looked over the playground and everyone was with their group of friends. I was standing alone, being the only black student out of approximately 600 students, I felt alone. Suddenly a group of kids walked up to me and asked if they could touch my hair. Without my permission, they did. I remember them telling me how strange my hair was. One even asked, how come your teeth are so white? I didn’t know I was opening a door for being bullied all over. But being bullied at school, or sometimes in church, wasn’t my biggest issue. My problem was that when I got home, I really didn’t know how to express the little pain I felt. They do say that big things start small. Sigh! Have you ever been so broken and you felt like no else could fix? That’s how I felt the moment I broke down in class because I had bad test. I wasn’t crying because I studied hard for that test and still failed woefully, I cried because everything was too much for me. My Latin teacher sat me down when everyone else had left and said: I know you think you’re not good enough, but what I see in you is big. You won’t understand it now but one day, you’d realize how amazing you are. A bad test isn’t the end of the road. You have it in you. You can do it! I held on to those words and walked back home in the rain. I felt a sad sound accompanying me back home. I knew it was bigger than just that test… It was a void, an empty space that kept getting bigger with every insecurity I had and every mistake I made. I hated making mistakes, I hated not ever being good enough.
I tried talking about these feelings of loneliness with close friends and even family but for some reason they never seemed to get it. They always seemed to downplay my fears. At some point I had to teach myself to not try find a solution for it because talking about it made me feel worse of. I knew my mental health wasn’t very sound so I got better at hiding it. I’ll admit that I tried doing so by filling that void with love… relationships. Worst mistake ever. I honestly just feel like I’m not capable of dealing with someone else on that level. I know what I’m looking for, I’ve not found it. So again, I step back.
In not having anyone to talk to, I found solace in thinking and talking to God. Myself and the Almighty have had interesting conversations about this. But somehow even after praying, my heart still longed for more. I longed for physical companionship. Why not just interact with other people? I did but for some odd reason I kept meeting people that made an already existing problem a total tragedy. I went from being naïve to being a very intolerant woman. I don’t trust people and find that I don’t even think well of people sometimes. It’s like my sense of judgment is working overtime. I didn’t step out of my house over the past weekend and I searched deeply within myself. I was looking for answers and I was hoping God could help me. The one person I was hoping I would be able to discuss this with was out of reach, so I looked on to God. I thought and realized that I never really forgave a lot people I should have. I wondered how that was possible because said people don’t even cross my mind. It was then as if my eyes were forced open to understanding what was wrong. I ’m still holding on to the memories, to the pain, betrayal and anguish I had experienced. More importantly, I never forgave the one person I should have forgiven from the start. I should have forgiven myself for making mistakes and not always doing things the right way. In being my own biggest critic I forgot that I was human too and thus I became my own enemy.
I’ve decided to make 2017 my year of self discovery and pushing boundaries. I want to step out of my comfort zone and discover new things. I want to see new places and new people. But above all, I want to let go this year. I just want to let all that hurt go. Maybe when I do, I’ll regain my confidence and step out of my place of isolation. So I just have one question for you,
How do you forgive people truly?
- The Alpha Female