2017 in a Nutshell: A year of Insight, Revelation and Perseverance
It’s been a long time since I got up to write just exactly how I felt and what’s going on in my head. Just a little over 2 years ago my room was littered in letters I would write to myself and God. I honestly do not feel feel like its December 24th. I really don’t feel like this year is about to end. It has been a very intense year for me because I had to learn to walk on water and keep my eyes on God alone. I remember 2016 being a rollercoaster for me. I was far gone in my depression, my world was upside down, I wasn’t the happiest person. In November 2016, I moved into my first studio apartment and it finally dawned on me that I was alone.
I was scared to say the least and fearing that previous suicidal thoughts I had would resurface. I felt emotionally and mentally empty. My job was draining, I was keeping my head above water in uni. Amidst everything, I felt like my cry for help wasn’t being heard. Some of you who have been reading my blog (afmblogs.com) since 2010 would know that I had been battling a depression on and off for the past 7 years. I never sought for help. Actually that was lie, I tried explaining myself but it wasn’t to any avail. It’s either I was called dramatic or childish or a brat… Something along that line. I had been praying that the one person who was close to my heart would notice it soon enough. I had to wait 10 whole years for my mom to understand the pain I had been abhorring in my heart all this while . My cousins came to visit last December and after I had escorted them to the airport and finally got on my train back to Amsterdam, my mom called me and said:
“ If you ever need anything, call me so we can talk. I will always do my best to help you. And also try to be around your friends more often. Don’t always stay at home after class. ”
It was at that point I knew that God was about to carry me through another interesting season.
In January this year, I came home overwhelmed and underpaid. I had been contemplating quitting my former job, but I asked myself how I was going to survive every month being that I am full time medical student. I hated the idea of relying on my parents for my next meal so for, approximately, 18 months I got up at 04:45 a.m to be at a job that was 40 kilometers away, to work for people who didn’t appreciate me. I was constantly on a bicycle going from one place to the other. As time went by, I was getting fewer hours and losing money in transportation. January 16th, I came home and as soon as I locked my door, I broke down in tears. The only thing I could tell myself was that I worked so hard, I wasn’t compromising myself. Why would God allow me to go through this much stress and yet I wasn’t reaping the fruit of my labor. I was frustrated and at the end of the road. My knees and back where spent. I held my tears, called my manager and told her that I was quitting my job and that I was done. She tried to convince me to stay but I couldn’t do it anymore. I had worked more than my contract hours, I was ready to leave. But guess what? I had no plan b. I called my friends N.(I’m going to keep it at N.), C. and my aunt and told them what I had done. Surprisingly they were supportive and told me that I should just trust God and believe that everything will be alright. After all He did say that he would supply all my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
To be honest, guys, that was one of the scariest decisions ever. I didn’t I know how I was going to pay my bills. My scholarship wasn’t going to be paid out till 6 months after. But! To my great surprise, I survived. Every little now and then I would close a sale on elosmane.com. My dad would randomly call me to tell me to check my account without me asking. My mom would send me more than my usual allowance. I wasn’t living on a large budget till June but I survived. I really don’t know how I paid off my tuition last school year. I was hell bent on graduating and I feared that my financial circumstances would be the end of me and my medical career. Remember how I said that I was struggling to keep my head above water in university? I took some extra classes in April and there is where I met a fellow student whom I instantly connected with. We got talking about GP internships and somehow the topic was raised about jobs. I told her I had been looking for a job I could do on the side. And then she asked me: “ why don’t you work in a hospital?”. I told her that’s one of the jobs I had been looking for, but other students who work at hospitals never share tips on how to get hired. She looked at me and said,
“Apply to the hospital I’m working at. I’m earning X amount of money there and hours are very flexible. You already have a lot of experience in the healthcare sector and you’re also very smart”.
We both laughed. To cut the long story short, that same night I sent in my CV. Three days later I had an interview and got hired on the spot. I don’t know what excited me more… the pay or just the mere fact that I can get to work in a hospital.
What I learnt with my finances, is that worry is the enemy of stability. Just go for whatever it is that you visualize in your heart. Learn to trust God in the process. In those dark moments He hears you. Sometimes you don’t have to do all that extra work, sometimes its just about trusting him and believing that He has you in the palm of his hand. My contract got extended, business started moving and I thought to myself… Maybe I had been the one hindering my blessings with doubt. Maybe just maybe, God is transforming me into the woman I prayed to be…slowly but surely. And yes, I’m a living testimony. He WILL supply all your needs.
And then we have friendships, this year I made one new friend. This is funny because, I promised myself in 2016 that I wasn’t adding any new person to my circle. She’s a fun person and we’re from the place. For some odd reason we just connected instantly. Meeting her just made me realize that for every one friend you lose, you’ll gain one brother/sister in return. Friendships are dynamic. People outgrow themselves, people drift apart. The only thing that is constant in life is change. If God is clearing people in your life, allow Him to do the sweeping. Don’t be mad, let it marinate. Better people will come and you’ll all make money moves together. And guess what? Everybody will be happy.
I’m just fed up. Let me explain it as sitting on the bench and waiting for coach “fate” to call me back into the field so I can score.
Let’s get to the gist. In terms of relationships, I have not met anyone interesting. My life is going well now that I don’t have to be worried about being lied to or cheated on. I honestly want to keep it that way. I’ve been single for over a year and my life has been fantastic. There were a lot of men, I went out on dates but I just never met that person that was different. I guess maybe because, deep down, I’m not looking for anyone. I am not heartbroken, or sad…I’m just fed up. Let me explain it as sitting on the bench and waiting for coach “fate” to call me back into the field so I can score. I’m just missing that “ wow”- factor. It’s not a quality that everyone possesses. I’m yet to create a list of what I truly want in a husband. ( Yes, I said husband not boyfriend). But I can definitely list the things I do NOT want. Remember my post about my last relationship? The long distance one (Read Here). That post gave me closure. I don’t feel that way anymore. I have been avoiding men to be very honest. I’m just blank to the idea of dating. I don’t think that will change in 2018. I’m just not in the position to receive “love” from a man or make him my happy place. Right now, I just want to continue to show myself the kind of love no man has given me. I guess dating starts with you.
Ironically, one of my exes called me a couple of weeks ago to apologize for how we ended. A part of me has a lot to say to him and another part me doesn’t care to indulge in that conversation. What I’m trying to say is that I’m emotionally spent. Being in a relationship has torn me down more than built me up over the years. This is me also pleading with my friends stop trying to hook me up with some guy. Lol.
Let me take this moment to also add that I am officially a graduate. Yes. Bsc. In Medicine. In 2017 we secured the bag and the degree. 2018 will be great. Don’t worry, I’ll be more elaborate on how I overcame my depression in my next post.
I just want to say thank you to all my friends and family that I’ve been there with me through out this entire year. I love you all so much and I celebrate you. I’m carrying all of you in the RCCG fasting period because all of us are going to shine. We are so also going to drive cars. Lol!
That said, 2017 has been a year of insight, revelation and perseverance.
Breathe, you’ll be fine.
- The Alpha female